the most terrifying creative thing I’ve done

I saw this audition notice for the Dirty Dancing musical on Friday night, right before our You Can Dance Again rehearsal (which, by the way, was at a different location than where we usually are, so I could easily never had seen it).

My heart leaped and I said YES in that moment. I was going to go! It was only a few days away on Monday morning, at a time that I could make work.

And then hours later I came up with all the reasons why I wouldn’t go:

• It was a cattle call, there will be hundreds of dancers there, and it won’t matter if I show up or not.

• I’m pre-menstrual and my boobs are too bloated.

• I’m not prepared enough and won’t have a chance to take jazz class a million times before it.

• My dance clothes are too schlubby.

• I have no experience at auditions like this.

• I’m too old. 32 is “over the hill” in dancer years.

I was pretty convinced I wasn’t going to go and “waste” my Monday morning. A couple of close friends encouraged me, but I still wasn’t going to go.

I thought I was being realistic, but actually I was terrified of going. Because deep down, I really wanted to.

Then a phone call happened that changed everything. Fred Steinmann, an astrologer and intuitive guide who I had met over a year ago at an artsy networking event, had been reaching out here and there to lend some advice from the stars. He was always really encouraging and supportive of my dancing pursuits, and so I had forwarded him the audition notice photo on Friday.

He called me and strongly urged me to go. He sensed that I was doubting myself and about to give up on my “dream.” He shared some pieces of my astrology that made sense. And then he said, “Ya know, I’ve been feeling called to tell you to read The Alchemist…”

WHAT?! I stopped him right there and explained that just 2 weeks ago, I picked up a copy that someone was giving away on the street, and re-read it right away. It had re-inspired me and set off a chain of uncanny events (that I’ll share another time, because this post is already long).

“Yes,” he continued, “it’s like you’re following your Personal Legend and you’re at the moment that you’re about to give up, and I’m giving you the sign to keep going.”

That was all I needed to hear. I changed my mentality from, “I can’t go, because I’m not perfect,” to “I must go because I felt the initial calling and there’s some reason I need to be there.”

Maybe the reason had nothing to do with the audition itself. I just needed to make the journey.

This shifted everything for me -

I drove home on Sunday after a day of family visits in NJ while “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” played on the radio. I made a pact with myself to go to that audition as ME. The me who didn’t spend all weekend preparing, the me with PMS and the same dance clothes I’ve had for years, the me who quit dance as a career when I was 19 but was now 32 and about to step into an audition room anyway.

I got back to Brooklyn in time to get into the YMCA in the last hour before they closed. In the empty yoga studio, half-lit with rows of spin bikes to my left, I danced it out to “Stay….just a little bit long-er...” (from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack) and got pumped to show up the next morning.

Audition Day

The alarm went off at 6:00am. I turned my head to the right to dismantle it and then quickly turned left to get back to the dream I was having. A few minutes later the same thing happened until I realized that it was time to rise. The day of the Dirty Dancing audition had arrived.

[Shit. I’m really doing this.]

 

I got dressed, finished packing up my dance bag, and walked to the subway before dawn.

Pearl Studios doesn’t open til 8, but I got there at 7:30am to sign my name on the Dirty Dancing Open Call list - I was number 7.

After eating breakfast in a crowded Starbucks next to a group of chipper young dancers who were obviously regulars to this kind of audition scene (cue all my insecurities), I walked into the waiting area studio and put my stuff down in the corner space.

My brain started going into comparison mode…

“They are all so young and do this all the time.”

“She has a really cute leotard.”

“Why isn’t anyone warming up yet?”

And then I got back to myself. Reminding myself that I deserve a place here just as much as anyone else.

The room filled up with more and more dancers as we got closer to 10am. The girl sitting across from me with blonde curls and minimal make-up (like me) was reading Amy Poehler’s book “Yes, Please” and wearing colorful leg warmers. I liked her already. So I let her know “I love your legwarmers.”

I then asked her, “So, do you go to these auditions all the time?”

“Actually,” she said, “this is my first audition back in 10 years. I just started taking classes again recently because I just really missed dancing.”

My heart expanded and my whole body found more ease.

I told her a bit about my story of returning to dance after years away from it and the You Can Dance Again group I created. We smiled, we laughed, we connected. And we walked into that audition room together with the first group of about 30 dancers.

The casting director started reading names from the stack of resumes she held, confirming we were in fact in the room.

“Jessie Grippo?”

“Here!” I said, feeling comforted and surprised when she called me what my family calls me, “Jessie,” instead of “Jess” which is actually printed on the resume.

Then David the choreographer introduced himself and took over. He let us know that they really wanted to see our unique expression and flair - it wasn’t about getting the steps perfectly.

[!!!]

The song we were dancing to was “Stay” from Dirty Dancing - the same song I had danced to the night before, by myself in the YMCA yoga studio.

As he guided us through learning the moves, he kept shouting “DANCE IT OUT!” - another moment of comfort and surprise. He was speaking my language.

And I did it. I danced my heart out. I danced like I’ve been dancing for years, as if all the practice I had put in, every single dance video, had been preparing me for this moment without realizing it.

Once I had finished dancing in the smaller groups of 4 they broke us into, I felt relieved and actually really proud. It was another contrast to how I might have felt years ago - i.e. mad at myself for not nailing every single step or comparing myself to all the other dancers.

I didn’t get all the choreography right. I didn’t do it perfectly. But I danced it out fully and showed up as myself, wild hair and all.

On the way out of the room, I shook hands with the choreographer and casting director and thanked them deeply.

Then something happened that I didn’t expect - The tattooed guy who had been working the music walked by me and said, “I really liked what you did out there.”

“Really?!” I asked, totally shocked that someone had noticed me.

We conversed a bit in the hallway and I told him how it was my first audition ever of this nature. He shared some of the “inside scoop” with me - apparently the casting director and choreographer had noticed me, too.

I was floored and almost started balling crying in that moment.

I honestly didn’t need the validation to feel good about myself. I was already in a state of being proud that I had showed up and danced and had made a new friend. But this added piece of info definitely added an extra boost of satisfaction.

After years of “doing my own thing” with dance, I had an experience in the “real” dance world - the dance world that I’ve feared and resented for years - that made me feel like being me was good enough.

I’m not sure what will happen from here, but I am so so grateful that I decided to show up for the thing that scared me the most.

And I am even more grateful for the people in my life who gave me the nudge to not back away, because without them, I certainly wouldn’t have followed through:

Sometimes we need a metaphorical Patrick Swayze to remind us that Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

So, if you don’t have anyone in your life reminding you to step forward, speak your truth, do your dance, or try something new, let me be the one.

Dance it out. The world needs you to.

You might fail, you might succeed, but what’s most important is that you dare to try.

Curious to hear what this brings up for you - so please leave a comment below and let me know.

to having the time of your life,

Jess

p.s. Thought it was important to mention that a few years ago I did skip an audition. My “dream” and desires were different then, as was my level of confidence and experience. It was more important for me then to really focus on the creative work I was building on my own. I was happy to make the decision to say no. This time it was different.

So all that to say - be true to yourself in what you really want to go for. Don’t go to the Broadway audition if it’s part of an old, stale dream you think you “should” pursue. But by all means, go if it is what most lights you up.

will I ever create anything again?

We all have had them. The dark and empty times. The opposite of prolific. The lacking-motivation-but-wishing-we-had-it moments. The get-jealous-of-other-people’s-stuff funks.

You might ask yourself:

“Will I ever create anything again?”

Here’s the answer:

Yes. Yes you will create again.

You will create something even more authentic and compelling if you just let yourself have a few minutes (or days or weeks or years) of doing nothing and not forcing it.

Instead of forcing yourself to produce something, try this:

Drop into the empty feeling.

Get curious about it.

Bring light to the icky places within you and heal where necessary.

Go on long walks.

Ask questions.

Pick up books you find abandoned on the street.

Be of service to someone.

Start a new workout routine.

Find peace in the stillness.

Why?

Because your creativity is cyclical. Just like the seasons around us. Winter happens before spring.

If you’re currently in a creative rut, take these words in and practice the art of TRUST. (Spring WILL come again, I promise!)

If you’re not in a rut, keep these words in your back pocket and remember them the next time things slow down.

Most importantly, don’t suffer through it alone.

Tell people what you’re going through. Isolation is a breeding ground for depression and shame spirals. Just saying something outloud, without trying to fix or change it, can bring deep healing through compassion.

Try it - Share something with us here, in the comments below.

to embracing all the phases,

Jess

big magic in action

Crowded F train, 10:30pm. I'm holding Big Magic (the book) in my right hand while clutching the ceiling pole with my left as I hover over seated people. A spot clears out so I slide over to where I can lean my back against the door.  

The guy standing to my right holds up his book and says "whoa I'm reading the same thing!" Then we glance at the open pages to discover we are literally on the same exact page, a chapter titled Success.

I ask him what he thought of the book and about his story. As he’s talking, I listen in awe as I imagine this human being and all that has happened in his life and his creative journey that has led up to this moment in time that our paths matched up to have this short conversation.

He is a writer and performer named Rusty who has some great ideas that he really wants to attend to. Big Magic is speaking to him. He doesn’t want that thing to happen again where he wakes up one morning to see an idea he came up with on the TV, brought there by someone else.

I didn’t say much about what I was up to, but I feel like we made a silent pact in that moment. To do our thing. To stop making excuses. To continue to be curious and open to magic.

Before he gets out of the train, I tell him I look forward to seeing his work someday.

….

And before the digital doors of this blog post close during the few minutes you and I, dear reader, get to spend together, I’ll leave you with a similar sentiment:

I look forward to seeing YOUR work someday. Not necessarily on TV or published in a book. Not by a measure of worldly success (although high-fives if it does happen that way!). But rather, in a magical moment when I most need to receive its message. Because isn’t that why we’re here, afterall?

To me, the magical moments make it all worth it.

Quoting Elizabeth Gilbert from the chapter that Rusty and I collided on:

“Do what you love to do, and do it with both seriousness and lightness. At least then you will know that you have tried and that--whatever the outcome--you have traveled a noble path.”

Be curious. Be disciplined. Be open.

Tend to the creative ideas that enter your consciousness.

Do it because it entertains you, and stop if it doesn’t.

And most importantly, don’t forget about the healing, magical force of human connection.

to letting magic happen,

Jess

p.s. If you haven’t already gotten a copy, I highly recommend Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic.

the lost art of entertaining oneself

Sometimes I want to change the world with dance.

And other times I just want to entertain myself.

Neither outcome is more or less noble, interesting, creative, or worthy.

In my opinion, what matters most is that simple act of exercising our ability to make something with this life we have.

But sometimes I catch myself being a little too precious with trying to make something profound.

I toil over getting the right words out in a blog post, or I try to make up a dance to a really deep song, imagining people reading or watching someday in tears as the meaning of life all becomes clear….

But really, Jess? [eye-roll to myself]

I end up clamming up and feeling rigid and trying way too hard, and in the end I just forget about it and go wash the dishes.

And then there are the nights where I’m simply bored.

There doesn’t seem to be anything interesting on Netflix. No one’s around to talk to. I’m sick of scrolling through Facebook. So I listen to music and start dancing. And then an idea comes - not because I tried to make it come, but because I wasn’t thinking about it.

Wouldn’t it be fun to do a remake of Gangnam Style!?

This literally happened a few years ago:

I got engrossed for hours with costume changes and mapping out the different scenes and dancing and setting up my phone camera to capture the right shots…

I was highly entertained and engaged.

A similar thing happened last night (with a random dance video remake that I may or may not share with the world....but subscribe to my YouTube channel if you're curious to find out!)

I realized how much I missed that process, how I’m actually craving more silly creative time, for no “purpose” but to have fun.

Just in case you were taking yourself too seriously, too, let this be your permission slip to entertain yourself.

You don’t need a profound reason to dance or write or make some kind of art.

Seek your own joy.

You may just stumble upon something that lightens you up.

Tell me -

Have you ever tried too hard to make your art profound?

What do you do to entertain yourself?

Keep the conversation going in the comments below.

woppum-gangnam style,

Jess

p.s. In case you're like - "Bored? Man, I wish I had time to be bored if I wasn't so damn busy all the time..."

- know that this post is especially for you. Sometimes you have to carve out time to be bored and give yourself permission to just do something with no purpose. From personal experience, I promise you it's worth it. ;)

what destroyed you can save you

Dance once destroyed me:

The battered toes.

The worries and woes.

Tunnel vision.

Heavy competition.

Bananas for lunch.

Broccoli for dinner.

Painful knees.

More stretching, please.

But dance also saved me:

The lonely nights.

Avoiding fights.

The boredom.

The freedom.

The choice to self-express

Instead of self-medicate.

The purpose that led me.

The feeling that connected me.

People who were true.

Realizing I had a voice, too.

….

Dance - or any creative, expressive outlet - can be your medicine.

Even if you had painful memories from ballet class, or got rejected at an audition and decided there wasn’t a place for you, it’s still possible to reinvent dance for yourself.

I know because I did it. And if I can do it, so can you.

It starts with one step. One small decision to do something you’ve never done before -

Maybe you find humor in the midst of a tough day.

Maybe you doodle a funny picture on the subway instead of filling in your to-do list.

Maybe you ask someone to dance unexpectedly.

Choose to dance. Choose to create something. And little by little, you’ll save your own life.

What's one way you're expressing yourself creatively these days?

Tell me in the comments below and let's help each other thrive.

to dancing through it all,

jess

…

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:

For the last time this year, I'm offering my You Can Dance Again small group program.

The NYC in-person group is now full, butthere are still 3 spots open in the online program.

We start Wednesday 11/11.

One of the spots might be yours if:

• you know you want to dance more, but have been lacking the motivation, support, confidence, community, etc, to do so

• you already dance, but recognize that you hold yourself back from going full out or being seen for who you really are. or maybe you often get stuck in negative body image, self-criticism, and other patterns that don't feel good and you want to move through them.

• you want to discover a dance world that feels freeing, fun, and accepting of you and your body just as it is

There are a few reasons why NOW is the right time to join:

1. You've been making excuses for far too long, so just suck it up and get support. You can keep saying you'll get to class, but will you, really? This program will help you get to the bottom of what's been stopping you from dancing more and give you the tools to START.

2. There will be under 20 people in this group and the sessions are live. This means you can get lots of personal attention, support, and accountability. We will see each other on video every week. It's not the kind of program you'll sign up for and forget about - you'll get to be an active member and have your voice heard in the group if you choose.

3. We frankly don't know if we'll be here tomorrow. Life is short, as they say. Are you going to create your life or let it pass you by? Again, enough is enough with the excuses for not dancing and taking action.

Here's how it works -

Click here to review all the details, then click the green button under the Online Program option and sign up!

Once you do, I'll send you a welcome email with all the info you'll need to get started.

--> Sessions are Wednesday evenings at 6:30pm EST and they are recorded in case you can't make it there live.

--> We dance for part of the session, and then we dive into discussion around the 4 specific themes you'll see listed on the program page.

--> You'll have a guidebook to write in as you go through the process, specially designed by me to provide you with important writing prompts and materials.

Bottom line -

The You Can Dance Again program is a community in which each dancer is celebrated for their uniqueness and encouraged to not only physically move and get past what's stopping them, but to express themselves and create something meaningful.

I've poured my heart and dancing soul into it, utilizing the best parts of my coaching and dancing experience into a step-by-step package that gets you moving in more ways than one.

The only thing missing from it is YOU.

Click here to read more, sign up, and take ownership of the unique dancer you truly are.

if you're feeling a bit lost...

 “i want to put together a plan, but cant bring myself to do it. whats wrong with me?  

i'm feeling a bit lost. 

i want to share myself with the world but i don't know what to share. 

are the videos i made dumb? 

am i becoming narcissistic?

or was i always and just repressed it?”

I wrote that 6 years ago.

If I could’ve responded to myself then from the place I’m in now, here’s what I’d say -

(and here’s what I’d say to you, if you have been feeling similar things about your own process) -

If you can’t think of the plan yet, it’s because it’s beyond what you even think is possible.

Stop trying to make it happen in your mind, and instead take one step.

The more you dance through life, the more your path will organically unfold and reveal the answers to all the questions you’ve been struggling with.

Share the simplest thing.

Don’t try to share the best thing, or the most creative thing, or the thing that will get you a thousand likes on Facebook. Just share an honest piece of you and trust that your desire to share it is the only excuse you need. Trust that it will reach who it’s meant to. Trust that it’s leading you to something.

The videos you made are not dumb. They might not be the best quality or most popular creations ever, but they communicate something. They are stepping stones. They are part of your process. Keep making them. Keep sharing them. Without practice, nothing will happen. The practice of making them is your meditation.

Just because you want to share something that happens to involve you and your self-expression, it doesn’t make you narcissistic. You can share yourself and still stay humble. The way you do that is by staying connected to the message behind what you’re sharing and your highest and most sacred intentions.

Your boldness, your expression, the joy you share, will inspire someone else to be bold, express something, and feel joy.

That is healing in action. Think about the artists you love and who inspire you - how empty would life be if they chose to keep themselves hidden?

The only thing you’re repressing is the possibility for more healing, more joy, more creation. It’s not up to you to stop those things from flowing. Be the vessel, be the channel, and let creativity dance through you.

One day you’ll look back at this place and wonder why you worried so much.

Don’t wait til that day to give yourself the love and encouragement that you truly deserve.

You got this.

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I write this from the airplane returning from California, after teaching at Soul Camp West.

It’s not that I have it “all figured out” now - in fact, there are still so many questions and unknowns in my life.

What inspired me to write this is the perspective I now have.

It’s easy to be hard on yourself and think that you should be farther along than you are, or that you should have certain aspects of your life in perfect order. It’s easy to forget how far you’ve actually come.

Teaching at Soul Camp was a reminder for me. I got to facilitate dance for groups of people. I got to perform. I got to be seen as who I really am. I got to make connections with amazing humans. I got to live in between mountains for a few days.

I don’t know exactly what will come next, but I do know that if I hadn’t been posting my dance videos for the past 6 years, I probably wouldn’t have gotten these opportunities.

Ali & Michelle, the founders of Soul Camp, spoke at the closing ceremony when we were all circled up around the bon fire. Ali spoke about how she never imagined she would be standing there (in a unicorn costume!) doing what she was doing. She talked honestly about feeling lost in the past and struggling with what to do, reminding everyone that it’s totally normal and ok to not know. To keep going. To be led.

And I pass on the same wisdom to you.

Take time today to love your process.

Let go of the mental need to figure it all out right now.

And instead, just be in the now and express something that’s in you.

Step by step, with time, your wildest dreams will be revealed.

in love and loving you,

Jess

A video posted by jess grippo (@jessgrippo) on Oct 29, 2015 at 7:12pm PDT